I'll fight like hell to hide that i've givin up...

you want to bury me under a mound of shopping bags
like it'd really make a difference
or make up for your disinterest
I'm a bill you pay
I'm a contract you can't break
and it's like I'm under water
or on an endless escalator
I just go up and up but I don't ever reach the top

It's alright, Cause there's beauty in the breakdown...

Incendiary glance
Be come and collide in me
Zoom in enhance hold
While I go helplessly sky high
Magic eye sugar rushing don't stop

I must be dreaming or
We're onto something
Hey just watcha make me for
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it
I'm losing it
I'm losing it
I must be dreaming
I must be dreaming
I must be dreaming



Last night was funner than I expected.
Im glad I did it. Very glad.
I have now added a song to my list that the memory that goes along with it will forever be burned into my brain. And its a good feeling.

I love the ocean. I think more people should be allowed to live there.

Sundays are so boring...My brothers home and I cant do things until hes gone.
Not like we talk anyways.
I want to go toboganning.


And remeber. nothing is so shocking as to realize you are an elephant with extra legs.

Who knew Starbucks cups could be inspiring?

Be exceptional. Make tremendous efforts to be extraordinary. What a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. Just make sure you do so....
-- Shelby Lynne

I find this quote on almost every Starbucks cup I get....Does anyone else? Cause I feel they mass produce this one more so than the others.

Combat baby, Come back baby

Who would have thought that the monday that exams started could be so incredible relaxing...
Not me.
I had a strangly good day today. Just the day that I needed to unwind while doing something productive.
Im one of those people who hate to stay in all day. But today it was great.

I woke up at 11. Had a shower, ate lunch. Went to school for my one afternoon exam.
I then noticed how incredibly beautiful it was outside then Finished early.

Then I came home and set up my "study station" composed of tons of books and papers tossed among my stereo speakers that are lying across my bed blaring my favorite tunes.

I opend up my window and curtains. Lay down and listened to the water trickling down from my evestrough and the wind blowing through the trees outside my window. Drinking maybe one too many cups of coffee ( while studying of course)

break time. ( not a coffee related break )

I go to burn a cd and in the midst of doing that. I discoverd a new band. Hoorah ( The new pornographers = great )

I come back to my room and put on my new favorite cd. Almost fall asleep while reading the stone angel. ( which isnt that unusal )
And now im here. Blogging

Who knows what the evening will bring but im thinking it cant be much worse. Ill probaby go for a walk around town. Well see.



EDIT:
i found this quiz in my inbox. And i remeberd how fun it was. So im doing it again

TEN Random Things About Me:
10. I am allergic to everything I touch
9. Im addicted to coffee.
8. I played a guy in the musical OKLAHOMA!
7. I watch simpsons everyday
6. I love the color green
5. I put quarters in peoples parking meters
4. Metric is my favourite band
3. I love travelling
2. I always weat rings
1. I can almost never say no

NINE Places I want to visit:
9. New York
8. Toronto
7. Vancouver
6. London, England
5. Paris, France
4. Greece
3. Australia
2. New Zealand
1. Italy

EIGHT Things I want to do before I die:
8. Run my own buisness
7. Base jump
6. Not have any regrets
5. Love someone
4. Be LOVED by someone
3. Own a digital SLR
2. Learn to read
1. Live long enough to see bell bottom pants come back for a third time

SEVEN Ways to win my heart:
7. Don't let me believe my own b.s.
6. Take an interest in my crappy music
5. Not only tolerate me being a goof but be a goof with me
4. Laugh at my lame jokes
3. ...Gifts are always nice
2. Be yourself
1. Like me for who I am

SIX Things I believe In:
6. The people around me
5. That the Conservatives will rule this Country like kings until long after I'm dead
4. Laughter is the best medicine
3. I wont die by getting eaten by a shark
2. George Bush is a Nazi
1. Jesus, God and the devil

FIVE Things I'm afraid of:
5. The dark
4. Tractors
3. Getting hurt
2. Clowns
1. Manequins

FOUR of my Favorite Items in my bedroom:
4. My stereo
3. My guitar
2. My cds
1. My pictures

THREE Things I do everyday:
3. Eat
2. Sleep
1. Laugh

TWO Things I am trying not to do right now:
2. Study
1. Get distracted by the TV

ONE person I want to see right now:
1. Thats for me to know..and you to eventually find out

"If I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself"

The sunrise or the sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet
Keep putting on the play
But everything you do is leading to the point
Where you just won’t know what to do
And the moment that you're laughing
There is someone there who will be laughing louder than you
So it’s true, the trick is complete
You've become everything you said you never would be
You’re a fool, you're a fool

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of faith
Saying, let me walk away, please

We must blend into the choir, sing a static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And to this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

Time take us forward.
Relief from this longing.
They can land that plane on my heart;
I don’t care.

Oh good ol conor oberst. He speaks the words of my very unpoetic mind.

Newfound zest for life.

I am excited for life

I was thinking alot today and venting to some people who can relate to me in so many ways. About how all I want is a change. Im so sick of the same thing.
Im not content with life at the moment.
Im not content with school or friends. ( I love my friends dont get me wrong, theres just something thats missing. Maybe its them? )
Im not content with the lack of change.
I need change, But the people around me refuse to change with me.

There content, and im stuck in a rut.
Do I leave them all behind? Do I drag them kicking and screaming with me into my next stage of life?
Neither.
Im moving on. But I'll still keep in touch. If we go out seperate ways, Well. So be it. But its time for a change.

At the end of this year is going to be the biggest change of my life. I dont know who im still going to know after this year. And that scares me.
God has placed my heart across the world. Across the world in a city called Townsville ( ha ha I know ) Australia to do DTS with YWAM. And I have to go there to reunite with it before im complete again, and thats so exciting for me.

After I get back from Australia I am applying for a course in Regina at SIAST for 2 years. Applied Photography.
Everythings ready to be sent away for both applications except for a doctors report. Then its final
No turning back.

And thats exhilerating. Im so freaking excited.
Ill be sad to see my class/school/camp mates go. Those who I dont keep in touch with. But in a year, Im moving on to my next stage of life and theres no holding back now.

Dont you worry my faithful true friends. Ill keep in contact with you the whole time. Im mainly talking about my friends who I only talk to in school and see when we are in a group of friends.
Im not leaving you guys, my best buds behind. You are too important to me to leave behind.
You know who you are.


T minus 159 days until grad
Then T minus 361 days until my life takes flight.


If only it would come sooner....

"there stands a broken man" " Its playground everywhere but in his heart"

Once again im going to poison you with my terrible attempts at poetry from a long time ago. followed by some song lyrics that reflect my life at the moment. As with every other post in the blogging world.
Maybe ill post something worthwile for you guys to read later. Something you might understand more. But for the time being this is the only way I know how.
cheers
from someone trying not to come off as an emo girl.

Nowheresville

I come home to a house
Filled with empty thoughts
Cold dreams
I want out
I need out
But I can’t
For I have no where to go

I strive to see reality
Outside of this one horse town
I’m not going anywhere but here
Iirrational wishes to leave
Greetings,
From Nowheresville

I’m trapped in a glass box
Filled with lies in my own little world
Of fantasies and dreams
Here I can’t have any of that
Unless I leave to where you are

Alternate dimensions
I missed my last stop
Nowheresville trapped me inside that box

Im stuck in this Nowheresville town
Theres no other place I can be
are you watching from up high down here in this place
i'm trapped, so can you free me?



and finally the song lyrics. ( im sure every last person in highschool can relate to these )

Goodbye, goodbye
To all the fake people in my life
I never wanted you around me
So be on your way now
You better think twice
Before you let people in your life
Because when you put down
No one is around you
You got a case of the fake people
A case of the fake people

Whos left to save the heros?

Heartbound and angry
Silent yet screaming
Somewhere out there is the paradise im dreaming

These unspoken words
Say goodbye to summers things
Im finding its hard to find beauty in simple things

Dandilions in the winter
Snowflakes in the spring
Forever deemed to be an ugly thing



Where did that come from? I...Dont know.
I guess its how im feeling lately. In a sense.
Interpret it how you'd like. Its for you to decide

So...Today was fun.

Negative.
I woke up this morning and I tried to roll over. It was then I realized that if I moved my neck the smallest bit it would send a lightning bolt of pain everywhere and I felt like my head was going to pop off.
But, of course. I sucked it up and went for half of first class.
Halfway through I came to my senses and realized I couldn't last the whole day not being able to move my neck. if I did that equalled excruciating pain. For real.
So I come home. Sit on the couch all day watching bloody tv with a heat/cold beanbag around my neck contstantly having to get up for phone calls and to re-cold/heat my beanbag which wasnt fun because that hurt alot.
But im better now. Well ever since 1'ish and I would have gone back to school if I had classes in the afternoon. But alas I did not.
And as a result of that my dad says that I cant go to youth because I didnt go to my two classes today....can you say sweet?...and rip off.
I know I can
Thus concludes the best day ever.

When the rain comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide / Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile / it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

When the rain comes / I will hold you

I was at Jared and Cherises wedding today and Colin and Kelly sang this song by Third day.
Wow.
It didnt even just hit me in a husband wife kind of deal. But even more so, it hit me as this is Gods song to me. ( well not just me of course. But it spoke to me that way )
Incredible.
Im put in this certain situation for a reason.
There are going to be trials through it. Thats not a maybe. Thats inevitable.
But the great thing is that Gods not gonna make me do it on my own.
Hes standing with me in the rain the whole time just so He can protect me from what had to happen in order for me to grow.

This should have been known to me a long...long time ago. And it was. Its just easy to forget you know?
Its easy to forget im not alone. Its easy to forget no one loves me like He does.
Its just easy to forget.
And He gave me that simple reminder that I needed.
Im not alone

Something isnt right here...

Its the new year. And something just doesnt feel right.
I dont know what the heck is wrong with me! Everything seems so weird lately.
I'd LIKE to blame it on everybody else changing. But I know that the problem is me.
Its one of those feelings where you cant explain it. And if I tried everyone would think I was a lunatic.
Iv been neglecting everything that makes me happy.
All but one thing and I dont even do it out of joy anymore hardly...My creativity is gone, and I dont know where it went or if ill ever get it back.
Im just getting sick of doing the same old things, knowing the same old people, seeing the same old things, and dealing with the same old problems that dont seem like they matter anymore
Dont get me wrong. I love my friends but I dont know. I thirst for more.
Maybe all I need to do to get my creativity back is to break out of this monotonus cycle.
Im bored. I need something fresh and new. Something I havent done or seen.
Its hard to find that kind of thing when your stuck in a hole with the glorious name of "Dalmeny"

I want to break free, Iv got to break free