if your friends with p. then your friends with me

do you ever get that feeling of " holy crap. no one really knows me at all"
I have this intense feeling of loneliness that i havent really known before. and i know that sounds like im 12. but im serious. Not a loneliness in the sense that no ones around me. because im around plenty of people every day all day. but a loneliness....for real relationships?

everyones so passive in their relationships with me nowadays. and im no less to blame. Im just as guilty of it.
I miss having a friendship with someone where they know everything about me and i dont have to hold back when they say " hey steph. whats up?" or vice versa.

i miss long rollerblade adventures with my closest friends, i miss my long walks on the railroad tracks or just sitting on the side of the road having rocks hurled at me. i miss taking turns to go get icecream and i miss scoping. i miss people watching in the mall and baking cookies while dancing to TFK. I miss mario party and playing in the snow.
i miss coming home from school to my friends sitting on the benches on my front lawn ( occasionally eating crackers ) and throwing cutlery into my lawn.
i miss sitting on the playground at night and smelling the boys pipe smoke. i miss pit fires and sing a longs.
I miss laying in the park and looking at the stars, playing the laughing game and listening to tool.
i miss the swings and thunderstorms and picture walks
i miss being tripped every day coming home from school in the winter and getting in trouble for having wet pants every day
i miss frog catching and going to stereotrap concerts

most of all. I miss being depended on. I like being there for people and having a deep friendship with them

Everything just seems so empty here.

im displaced. Im not where i want to be and its showing in my everyday life. And i havent realized it until now.
I have the famous landlocked blues. im lonely for the ocean and for the other people that truly made me feel loved
all i think about all day is how badly i want to go back and its taking away from me being happy while im here.

Maybe i wont be a depressed bag of goo in the next 2 weeks as im most likely giving my 2 weeks notice before monday.
i might have a job at the double decker bus icecream place by the river. i need a job that isnt so high stress. haha






man.....I want to go take pictures but theres a stupid snow storm, and thats all im going to say on the subject because i dont want to be an old lady talking about the weather.

the 90s were weird

i spend the majority of my life on youtube. got bored and typed in concerned childrens advertisers and i found a bunch of golden commericals from way back in the day.
REMEMBER THESE!?




im almost positive this wouldnt be allowed on tv these days. and not just because of the haircuts




I remember always being afraid to walk on those walkways over the streets because i was scared i was going to find a needle. now i know why
those kids are SOOO pumped they found a needle



no explaination needed








i knew this wasnt real from the START




LOL the t rex kid!!! and "....bugs"
is that black kid just good at....laundry? well dancing i guess. but...in the laundro mat?



uh oh...




Lol!!! why are they on hover boards

"oh i can drive ya!"



bum bum dum dum!!! and the most ultimate commercial EVER!!!

news flash!!

it was just a novelty fly swatter!!.....(see previous post)

yep. im a moron

dont let the panic bring you down

Why do i worry, panic, freak out, stress over the stupidest things??

In the back of my mind i know my problems are in better hands when they are in Gods hands. but for some reason i refuse to release the grip of MY grubby hands from them and try to convince myself i know how to deal with them better than anyone else.

when in actuality they would be better off in the hands of a braindead monkey then my own. because I make a mess of things every single time. without fail.

 Youd think id learn by now? but no. you'd be wrong. 

people are pretty cool. 

hey. creepy story of the day

Im cleaning my house at 2am ( because im an insomniac) so naturally its pretty quiet . and i tuck a blanket under my couch 

and all of a sudden i hear this noise. that sounds like a toy going 

"GOTCHYA"

I stop.....not even daring to breath, half expecting a hand to whip out from under the couch and drag me into the land of the evil fraggles........

*slowly walks to the kitchen*

what was THAT!!?!?!?!

i go back to the living room. look under the couch and theres NOTHING there!

WHAT THE HECK!?

maybe the creepiest thing to have ever happend to me EVER

im waiting till morning  to find out what it really was. maybe texting my roomate if she has any creepy toys hidden about the room that i dont know about.

until then. im stuck with the heebie jeebies

random musings

Today at work. I could almost pin point the second i decided i was quitting and looking for another job.

I was some kind of moron to think that life would magically change when i moved out. No matter where i go lifes always going to feed me crap but just call it something different every time. 

I feel like such a waste of space. I havent been doing anything to positivly contribute to society but serve tables in months ( although waitressing can hardly be considered a positive contribution.....but maybe playing an unheathy amount of super mario galaxy for wii counts for something?,.....i doubt it.). 

what has my life come to that i have to plan my passions around a schedule?? that work takes precedent over everything in my life including my mental health ( now that sounds like the crazy grumbles of a workaholic. but friends, i assure you. im far from it ,for i hate to work. if i had my way id never have to work a day in my life and id sit in a hot spring in the mountains until my skin fell off ) i also think its pretty sad i live my life staying up until 4 and sleeping in till 1. thats pretty lame of me.

I just need to take a week off and spend it outside i think. just go some where and pitch a tent and cook my food over a campfire. bring a guitar and worship and yell and scream and leap and dance.... a little prehistoric. yes...... but refreshing.

and an added bonus? the snow is gone! yeah what the heck i know. when did it all leave?!

i was driving today and i was like...holy crap..no snow. where did it GO!? 

i mean yeah theres the loner mounds of snow under the trees in peoples front yard because sunlight never touches it. but in general its pretty much all gone.... in the city anyways.