Jesus Im Ready to Come Home...

Alright. I dont even know where to start. I apologize in advance. This....probably wont make sense. and WILL be long. I commend anyone who sits through this.

Alright so for no reason. Im sitting here. And something huge hits me. Why? I have no freakin idea. Why now? I dont know. God has the weirdest timing.

So I just got in from drama, I take a shower and sit down and BAM! It turns out im shutting out the most important thing in my life and I didnt even realize it. I dont even know HOW i realized it is the weird thing.
Just a thought popped into my head like..its been there all along. But I just chose to ignore it you know? Kind of like a gentle nudge when everyone and everything around you is shoving you and pushing you down.
The thing iv shut out as you may have guessed is Jesus. But...I didnt realize it.
Im going about my day. Oh yah im living for Jesus by example. Im going to accept people for who they are and not care what they do. Heck i wont even say anything about it because that might make them mad. I wont speak up when someone says something I dont agree with. Because they might get mad. Ill just totally hide that im a christian... Because hey...they might get mad.
Here im thinking im living for Jesus when im using the excuse of " do not judge unless ye be judged" to do things and say things I normally wouldnt.
I mean. Accepting people for who they are is one thing. Letting them voice there opinions is one thing. But to totaly deny my beliefs and who I am just TO accept them, or let them voice there opinions and let them smash everything I belive and not say anything about it. I dont know HOW the thought of that was going to show Jesus to them crossed my mind.
Dont get me wrong. I said what I thought if someone asked. But I would NEVER bring it up unless i was asked. And even if i did. It would be a very vauge answer, one I think would be appealing to them.
I guess the thought of " im going to show them how not sterotypical christians can be. Im not gonna go pastor on anyone. Just to show them, just to break free of this label"
I took this too far. Im totaly pulling the "christian mask " I mean im all for accepting people. Im not gonna become a "shun the gays and hethans" kind of christian. But I mean. How am I going to show Christ to others if im not even following him myself.
Frick I havent even touched my bible since....well...september...Yeah...Im that good. And im only praying when I need things. Im so freaking selfish.
Iv used the excuse of being busy to not keep up my relationship with God. *gets in bed *Oh. Yeah I uh...Gotta work tomorow so uh...Yeah I have no time for you. OH yah yah...Ill get up early. You know read my bible...and stuff. But yah im too bu..*falls asleep*
morning comes. *buzzer* *bah...snooze....bah...slept in late cause snooze doesnt work*
Oh yah..Uh. gotta get to school. Sorry God gotta call it off again.
repeat..repeat...repeat.
I need to get my freaking act together. Im saying I want to go on missions and stuff. I have to pull myself together before I even consider filling out the application. Im a mess right now and im not doing anything until I pick myself up.
I know I cant do it alone and that was my problem all along. I need to let Jesus back into my life. Maybe then things will start to get better.
Sad it took me this long to figure out too...man I lose at this game

But I guess everythings become more real to me, I know where people are coming from and why they are they way they are.
I have no regrets.
Iv got to know some amazing people and some things I never would have found out if this never happend. I feel I have an advantage now over other people because I KNOW what people are going through. Now its just time to take a little bit of action...

I guess to start I can wipe the layers of dust off my bible and pick myself up where I left off.
Until next time...