if your friends with p. then your friends with me

do you ever get that feeling of " holy crap. no one really knows me at all"
I have this intense feeling of loneliness that i havent really known before. and i know that sounds like im 12. but im serious. Not a loneliness in the sense that no ones around me. because im around plenty of people every day all day. but a loneliness....for real relationships?

everyones so passive in their relationships with me nowadays. and im no less to blame. Im just as guilty of it.
I miss having a friendship with someone where they know everything about me and i dont have to hold back when they say " hey steph. whats up?" or vice versa.

i miss long rollerblade adventures with my closest friends, i miss my long walks on the railroad tracks or just sitting on the side of the road having rocks hurled at me. i miss taking turns to go get icecream and i miss scoping. i miss people watching in the mall and baking cookies while dancing to TFK. I miss mario party and playing in the snow.
i miss coming home from school to my friends sitting on the benches on my front lawn ( occasionally eating crackers ) and throwing cutlery into my lawn.
i miss sitting on the playground at night and smelling the boys pipe smoke. i miss pit fires and sing a longs.
I miss laying in the park and looking at the stars, playing the laughing game and listening to tool.
i miss the swings and thunderstorms and picture walks
i miss being tripped every day coming home from school in the winter and getting in trouble for having wet pants every day
i miss frog catching and going to stereotrap concerts

most of all. I miss being depended on. I like being there for people and having a deep friendship with them

Everything just seems so empty here.

im displaced. Im not where i want to be and its showing in my everyday life. And i havent realized it until now.
I have the famous landlocked blues. im lonely for the ocean and for the other people that truly made me feel loved
all i think about all day is how badly i want to go back and its taking away from me being happy while im here.

Maybe i wont be a depressed bag of goo in the next 2 weeks as im most likely giving my 2 weeks notice before monday.
i might have a job at the double decker bus icecream place by the river. i need a job that isnt so high stress. haha






man.....I want to go take pictures but theres a stupid snow storm, and thats all im going to say on the subject because i dont want to be an old lady talking about the weather.