nuclear bomb

I have no appetite and im constantly sick. what the hell is wrong with me?

maybe its because its physically impossible for me to rest? I work an 8 hour day 11 - 7 , the entire day on my feet , not "allowed" to take a break ( we are "allowed" but its always busy so they dont let you )  because its all in the biz. and i come home. change and usually go out right away, come home and stay up till 4 because i cant effing sleep.

I go out because i crave to be around people or im depressed and i stay up because my body hates me. and refuses to shut down before 4 am. 

or maybe its just because im extremely stressed and my body doesnt know what to do with itself. .... most possibly.

i hate that stress has taken up such a huge part of my life. its so enevitable its like a heartbeat, or a breath of air. ( repugnant stale air mind you )

it just bursts into my buisness throughout the day. and leaves just as fast, but usually likes to hang out with me for at least 3/4 of my day.

I guess im just good company

I just want someone to be able to tell me everythings going to be alright....

I should be sleeping

guess what? good news: i have had more of a peace about mostly everything lately. about work, about leaving and just life in general

Even though im still dreaming about work at least 3 times a week ( and not good dreams either. see one of my older posts for a referance) 

im not feeling quite as hostile towards going to work anymore ( note the word "quite") im getting more hours lately which leaves less stress about money, which leaves less stress about leaving. which leaves less stress about everything in general because thats what i seem to be revolving my life around lately.

sad yes. but a fact 

and iv actually have had a chance to hang out with some friends like the old days as well. the last few nights iv gone down by the river eaten some cake and taken my neon frisbee out and threw it around for a couple hours with some good chums. Iv gotten to go to the forestry farm a couple times already since its "opened" for the season . i cant wait for the bears to come!

and soon me and some friends ( about 20 of them ) are going up to turtle lake to joeys cabin from friday to monday, it should pretty much be the best ever.

although like the title suggests i should be sleeping. so i bid you adieu , after all. my sleeping pills are kicking in and i might not make much sense anymore.

 

JACKED!

1. How long did you stay up last night and why?
1 30 or something. which is early for me but since i work at 11 now i have to go to bed early

2. What was the first thing you thought when you got up this morning?
i can sleep 15 more minutes

4. What did you do all day yesterday?
I woke up. bought the wintersleep cd. picked up my mom and drove to dalmeny, made supper. watched simpsons. went to youth. came home and slept

5. Where do you work?
rickys all day grill

6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
i...hope so? but i doubt it

7. Do you own a stereo that costs more than $100?
Yes, because my laptop is my stereo.

8. When's the next time you'll see your best friend(s)?
uhm. hopefully soon?

9. Hows your heart feeling lately?
that was pretty emo of you. but also. a little unsettled.

10. What were you doing this morning at 5am?
Sleeping...id like to see if someone had a different answer


11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12pm?
working through the lunch rush. boo

12. What did you have for lunch today?
a mushroom burger

13. Have you graduated from high school yet?
In 2006

14. What was the reason you last cried?
stress

15. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Yes. high on many things " guys...is my face melting into a bucket?"

16. What do you want your room to look like when you get your own place?
uhm. id like to say neat but i know it wont be. but it will have a touch of "me" in it....or something cool

17. What song is stuck in your head?
for once, nothing

18. Who was the last two people to text you?
alyssa saying shell be on her way soon and 611 telling me my balance is .63 cents. that one was nice

19. What's the fifth text in your inbox say?
5th from the start or 5th newest?
Joey- Damn you
or
katie saying in a bit i will


20. How many red lights have you run?
im a yellow light bandit. but i dont think iv purposly ran any

21. Did you get pulled over?
Not for that

22. What was your least favorite grade?
all of highschool?

23. Why?
i dont want to talk about it

24. Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
raelynn or jer

25. Who's the last person you kissed?
i dont want to talk about it

26. What does your hair look like right now?
pretty hagrid. its greasy and in pig tails

27. Is there anything that you are craving now?
Chocolate milk. ( mmm )

28. Do you wear socks to bed?
most of the time

29. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
No, its pretty hard to mess up stephanie anderson

30. Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but..."?
Of course.

31. Do you drink tea?
No, not often at all. but i will if its put in front of me sometimes

32. Have you ever been arrested?
No.

33. Whose car did you last ride in other then your own?
coras friend brad

34. Have you made a mistake this past week?
most likely. im a waitress

35. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing, rae's computer game and her talking

36. Who was the last person you texted?
alyssa

37. Do you miss someone?
over 30 people im sure

38. Are you happy with your life right now?
mmm not really. but i will be once i get out of here

39. Who is more active in your relationships?
what?

40. What was the last movie you saw in theatres and with who?
uuuuuhm
something with katie. something bad probably

41. What do you need to be doing right now?
out with someone

42. What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
shes my buddah ol pal

43. What is wrong with you right now?
lets not EVEN go there

44. Who was your best friend in middle school?
middle school? carrie and...jess?? whats MIDDLE school?

45. Who do you hate?
rude people?

46. Was your best friend at school/work today?
no i dont work with her and i dont go to school

47. What do you wear to bed?
some fake lu lu s and t shirt

48. Has anyone gotten on your nerves lately?
Always.

50. What do you call your bf/gf?
imaginary

51. What do you want to be "when you grow up"?
a photojournalist

52. Can you see yourself married with kids and a good job 10 years from now?
ew. kids

53. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
i hope so?

54. What were you doing at 7 pm on Friday night?
i dont even remember. thats bad
OH a bbq with the bitners

55. What's going on during this week?
work.....work....uhm....work? tokyo police club and....work?

56. Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
sooooooo many people

if your friends with p. then your friends with me

do you ever get that feeling of " holy crap. no one really knows me at all"
I have this intense feeling of loneliness that i havent really known before. and i know that sounds like im 12. but im serious. Not a loneliness in the sense that no ones around me. because im around plenty of people every day all day. but a loneliness....for real relationships?

everyones so passive in their relationships with me nowadays. and im no less to blame. Im just as guilty of it.
I miss having a friendship with someone where they know everything about me and i dont have to hold back when they say " hey steph. whats up?" or vice versa.

i miss long rollerblade adventures with my closest friends, i miss my long walks on the railroad tracks or just sitting on the side of the road having rocks hurled at me. i miss taking turns to go get icecream and i miss scoping. i miss people watching in the mall and baking cookies while dancing to TFK. I miss mario party and playing in the snow.
i miss coming home from school to my friends sitting on the benches on my front lawn ( occasionally eating crackers ) and throwing cutlery into my lawn.
i miss sitting on the playground at night and smelling the boys pipe smoke. i miss pit fires and sing a longs.
I miss laying in the park and looking at the stars, playing the laughing game and listening to tool.
i miss the swings and thunderstorms and picture walks
i miss being tripped every day coming home from school in the winter and getting in trouble for having wet pants every day
i miss frog catching and going to stereotrap concerts

most of all. I miss being depended on. I like being there for people and having a deep friendship with them

Everything just seems so empty here.

im displaced. Im not where i want to be and its showing in my everyday life. And i havent realized it until now.
I have the famous landlocked blues. im lonely for the ocean and for the other people that truly made me feel loved
all i think about all day is how badly i want to go back and its taking away from me being happy while im here.

Maybe i wont be a depressed bag of goo in the next 2 weeks as im most likely giving my 2 weeks notice before monday.
i might have a job at the double decker bus icecream place by the river. i need a job that isnt so high stress. haha






man.....I want to go take pictures but theres a stupid snow storm, and thats all im going to say on the subject because i dont want to be an old lady talking about the weather.

the 90s were weird

i spend the majority of my life on youtube. got bored and typed in concerned childrens advertisers and i found a bunch of golden commericals from way back in the day.
REMEMBER THESE!?




im almost positive this wouldnt be allowed on tv these days. and not just because of the haircuts




I remember always being afraid to walk on those walkways over the streets because i was scared i was going to find a needle. now i know why
those kids are SOOO pumped they found a needle



no explaination needed








i knew this wasnt real from the START




LOL the t rex kid!!! and "....bugs"
is that black kid just good at....laundry? well dancing i guess. but...in the laundro mat?



uh oh...




Lol!!! why are they on hover boards

"oh i can drive ya!"



bum bum dum dum!!! and the most ultimate commercial EVER!!!

news flash!!

it was just a novelty fly swatter!!.....(see previous post)

yep. im a moron

dont let the panic bring you down

Why do i worry, panic, freak out, stress over the stupidest things??

In the back of my mind i know my problems are in better hands when they are in Gods hands. but for some reason i refuse to release the grip of MY grubby hands from them and try to convince myself i know how to deal with them better than anyone else.

when in actuality they would be better off in the hands of a braindead monkey then my own. because I make a mess of things every single time. without fail.

 Youd think id learn by now? but no. you'd be wrong. 

people are pretty cool. 

hey. creepy story of the day

Im cleaning my house at 2am ( because im an insomniac) so naturally its pretty quiet . and i tuck a blanket under my couch 

and all of a sudden i hear this noise. that sounds like a toy going 

"GOTCHYA"

I stop.....not even daring to breath, half expecting a hand to whip out from under the couch and drag me into the land of the evil fraggles........

*slowly walks to the kitchen*

what was THAT!!?!?!?!

i go back to the living room. look under the couch and theres NOTHING there!

WHAT THE HECK!?

maybe the creepiest thing to have ever happend to me EVER

im waiting till morning  to find out what it really was. maybe texting my roomate if she has any creepy toys hidden about the room that i dont know about.

until then. im stuck with the heebie jeebies

random musings

Today at work. I could almost pin point the second i decided i was quitting and looking for another job.

I was some kind of moron to think that life would magically change when i moved out. No matter where i go lifes always going to feed me crap but just call it something different every time. 

I feel like such a waste of space. I havent been doing anything to positivly contribute to society but serve tables in months ( although waitressing can hardly be considered a positive contribution.....but maybe playing an unheathy amount of super mario galaxy for wii counts for something?,.....i doubt it.). 

what has my life come to that i have to plan my passions around a schedule?? that work takes precedent over everything in my life including my mental health ( now that sounds like the crazy grumbles of a workaholic. but friends, i assure you. im far from it ,for i hate to work. if i had my way id never have to work a day in my life and id sit in a hot spring in the mountains until my skin fell off ) i also think its pretty sad i live my life staying up until 4 and sleeping in till 1. thats pretty lame of me.

I just need to take a week off and spend it outside i think. just go some where and pitch a tent and cook my food over a campfire. bring a guitar and worship and yell and scream and leap and dance.... a little prehistoric. yes...... but refreshing.

and an added bonus? the snow is gone! yeah what the heck i know. when did it all leave?!

i was driving today and i was like...holy crap..no snow. where did it GO!? 

i mean yeah theres the loner mounds of snow under the trees in peoples front yard because sunlight never touches it. but in general its pretty much all gone.... in the city anyways.

 

The one that got away

Yeah. you had to wait till the last minute possible to tell me didnt you?

I have the worst luck. 

and now reginas got you clasped in its dirty city claws!!

this is one more reason i hate regina.....

Ever have one of those days where the first thing you think when you wake up is 

" Holy F#@%$ today is going to be a bad day"

and your intuition was right?

i do...

who remembers milk in a bag? not americans apparantly

I was thinking the other day how i havent had milk in a bag for some time. and i mentioned it to my american friend and she thought i was going insane.

apparantly Canada is the only country that does this and alot of people have a hard time grasping the concept. 

which really. is beyond me. its not like you puncture holes in the bottom and pour all your glasses at once.

but enough trying to explain myself

to my american/australian friends that check this out

This is how we pour milk....in canada

Restraunt diaries # 1

alright. so this was definatly the question of the day, and perhaps even the entire span that iv been working here.

"how come our food took so long!? we could have gotten faster service at MCDONALDS" * like he was trying to make a valid point*



*thinks to self* well.....wait a minute....do you realize what you actually just said?
of COURSE could have. which is why that restraunt chain is called ....fast... food.... restraunts.
anywhere that requires you to sit down. and have someone come and take your order does NOT fall under that description
if you come into a semi half nice restraunt ( i have to admit rickys is no " the keg" but hey. at least its not like. dalmeny family restraunt or thomas cook )
you should NOT expect your food to be out in less than 2 minutes. in fact, you probably shouldn't even want that.
i would be a little bit worried if i sat down and ordered in a restraunt ( especially on a very busy understaffed weekend ) and my food came out in fricken 2 minutes.

im sorry we dont have a giant blow torch to cook your food in 3 seconds at your whim. im sorry we dont have a 4000 pound microwave , a grill the size of a football feild to fit yours ( and 60 other peoples) orders on at once and 260 staff to cater to each individual person the second they think about wanting a drink refill

and oh yeah, your not the only one in the restraunt on a timed lunch break. take a look around you. every table is filled and theres people in the lobby waiting. chances are. they are on their lunch break too!

if you want fast food service. go to a fast food restraunt, alright?
dont waste everybodys time here and order your steak but then get it "to go" 15 minutes in because its "taking too long" because you know what? i just paid for you to sit there and harass me, because you didnt tip. you probably dont realize this but i have to tip out a certain amount to the kitchen every bill i have . so yes. in principle. i PAID for you to sit there to moan and complain at me.
and you took up a table that could have potentially been used for someone with far superior manners than you. even if they didnt tip me. i would have at least been treated like another human being

but i must apologize. im sorry i failed to realize you were the unquestiond overlord of the universe and whatever you want should be a priority, next time. let the hostess know so she can direct you back towards the parking lot.








post script. i don't actually hate my job. just certain people can really be a treat

thats customer service for you!

northern lights supreme!

i wrote something last night but i came to it tonight and decided i hated it. but i still like the pictures and video so im keeping them up still

and thats the beauty of the internet







EDIT nevermind i found a video. although this ones taken in norway but it looks the same here
its time elapsed so keep in mind it doesnt go that fast usually haha

pop rocks to the moon

Well yes. its 2 30 am and my sleeping pattern is slightly off its rocker because.....well....i like to sleep in and i work the evening shift. is that such a crime?

Iv been slightly upset lately because febuary is quite possibly the worst month ever in saskatchewan. not even 10 daylight hours. which results in cold weather which then results in me not being able to go out and take pictures because i dont want anything inside my camera to spontaneously combust.

i already had a bad experience with that today, not with my camera. but I took my guitar out in the cold today to wait for my dad to pick me up. literally 30 seconds of standing there
*CRACK*
uh.....oh.......*shakes fist at the heavens* darn you saskatchewan!!
So thats pretty rad.

On the good side of things. I got a call last night from the school in australia saying i offically got accepted into the media and missions school of design in july of 08!
*resounding cheers come from the abyss of the interweb*
so that made my cow plop of a week alot better.

its pretty cool to see alot of things falling into place for me these days. completly unexpected mixed amongst the seemingly never ending crap the world has to hurl my way.
but every once and a while i manage to duck my head out of the path of a giant "up yours!, steph" and find something in a place i hadn't even thought of looking before.

God is pretty cool like that. I kinda like Him.

i've sold my waking life for minimum wage, and they've got my dreams for free

So one peaceful saturday night ( or at least it seemed that way when i laid my head on my pillow ) i drifted off into a nice deep sleep.
Waking up several hours later. I had to go to work. I got dressed and i headed out the door
as soon as i stepped into my place of buisness. imediatly i saw the place was packed and i had to take over 2 tables of 8 and 5 tables of 4 right off the bat.
I was rushing around trying to take everybodys drink orders and during the hustle i forgot to ring in a couple tables food orders.
I eventually forget which cup and which order belongs with which table. and i get so overwhelmed when my supervisor comes over i start to cry. " katie, i need help"

*POOF*

I wake up...yep....10 minutes before my alarm clock goes off ( so i cant even go back to sleep) notifying me today is a beautiful new morning. and telling me yes, i was forsure asleep and right now is in fact saturday morning

*groan* are you freakin serious? did I just dream up that whole day at work. and i didnt get paid for it?

now to end. i can finally relate with that quote from waking life


Did you ever have a job that you hated and worked real hard at? A long, hard day of work. Finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes and immediately you wake up and realize... that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free




oh just so you guys can laugh at me a little bit more, my day proceeding that dream was a very...very busy day as well. mind you not quite as busy as my dream. but it made it that much worse

one million below 0

Ok ok. heres my beef today. or....yesterday

Why did this cold snap make it into the news yesterday?
seriosly though? other than those two babies dying...that makes sense. but thats a completely different story. im not even going to go there.

my parents didnt go to work and all they did was sit around watching the weather channel discussing how cold it was outside. like it was some obscure phenomenon of nature that this should happen in SASKATCHEWAN of all places.
seriosly. dear news team. this happens. several times each year.
-50 isnt a big deal. I mean. Yeah. of course its cold. but where do you think we are living? your GOING to get this in the middle of Canada.

My mom said to me and i was walking out the door to go 6 houses down the street

"wear double pants!!"

no mom. no double pants.

servER not servANT

what shows your true charachter is not how you treat superiors. but how you treat those you consider to be lesser than you


i havent found this statement to be more true then in the last...what...5 months of my life.
whats so significant about those 5 months you ask? i've been a server. granted. its not as long as alot of people in the "biz" but its enough to say that it really sucks sometimes.

but hey. on the contrary. there are the handful of people that make my day worthwhile. to prove that there are people in the world that actually have the decency to treat someone as an equal

I mean seriously? is being a waitress really that low? its not like im rummaging through garbage getting through life from bringing in my cans for nickles, washing off peoples windows at stop signs and lets face it. at least im not in the fast food buisness. so why treat me like im some scum that emerged from the earth soley to beg and do funny little tricks for your money

if people went around and treated everyone they met on the street like some people treat servers. they would get trampled and punched in the head pretty fast. so what makes people think they can do it to me in my restraunt.
i dont come to your place of buisness and patronize what you do. i dont snap my fingers or holler HEY..HEY! to get your attention. so please. dont do it to me.



just because im your servER doesnt mean im your servANT

So this is the new year, i dont feel any different

so i guess this whole new years thing is very overrated. and new years resolutions are even more overrated. but i decided to make some anyways

Get a job i enjoy
Make at least 5 new friends
Be nicer to everyone
Travel to australia again before july
Less ichiban noodles for dinner.
Less coke ...always
Read more books.
Read more books/websites about photography
Take my camera out and take actual pictures at least once a week
Draw/write more in my journal
See some people I miss.
Travel more
Dont get so attached to people i hardly know
Learn to drive my standard like a pro
Send out christmas cards from christmas 07
Remember more birthdays

there is only one addiction, You are mine..

2 weeks of not working has left me in quite the opposite state of mind then i anticipated. I feel aboslutly trapped. My creative thoughts are being held captive somewhere im not even sure i have the strength to grasp right now.
I know i now have the freedom to leave whenever i want because of my new car. instead of being indefinatly stranded in dalmeny, but for some reason it feels like i cant.
no matter where i go. i will still have the same feeling of wanting to create something beautiful but not being able to. no matter what i do

I hate it when i go through phases like this. i swear they are bi yearly. its the worst feeling in the world when you have lost the ability for your passions, it usually lasts a week or two. but its the most agonizing time when it does come.

and right now its landed at the worst possible moment. the only 2 weeks iv consecutivly done literally nothing it rolls around. so its all i have left to think about.

across the universe

if everyone in the world doesnt see this at some point. ill kill them
great movie